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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,193 --> 00:00:10,729
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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♪ Family Guy 14x02 ♪
Papa Has a Rollin' Son
Original Air Date on October 4, 2015
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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ANNOUNCER:
We now return
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to The Autistic Postman Always
Rings Four Hundred Times.
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(doorbell rings repeatedly)
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00:00:44,296 --> 00:00:47,265
So is everybody excited
for Father's Day on Sunday?
16
00:00:47,299 --> 00:00:48,600
Oh, yeah,
that's right.
17
00:00:48,634 --> 00:00:50,935
I always try to avoid
Father's Day now.
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00:00:50,970 --> 00:00:52,937
Every year, I used to take
my dad to the horse track.
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00:00:52,972 --> 00:00:56,007
Now we just go rooting around
for bargains at the mall.
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00:00:56,041 --> 00:00:58,676
Oh, this is darling, isn't it?
Uh-huh.
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00:00:58,711 --> 00:01:01,159
Glenn, do you think you'd see
my bra through this blouse?
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00:01:01,183 --> 00:01:01,713
Uh, I don't know.
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00:01:01,714 --> 00:01:03,681
Is it too sheer?
I don't know what that means.
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00:01:03,716 --> 00:01:05,016
Glenn? Do you think
it's too sheer?
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00:01:05,050 --> 00:01:06,651
I said I don't know!
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00:01:06,685 --> 00:01:08,319
Hey, Joe, you know,
come to think of it,
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00:01:08,354 --> 00:01:09,320
I've met
Cleveland's dad,
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00:01:09,355 --> 00:01:10,989
and my dog slept
with Quagmire's dad,
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00:01:11,023 --> 00:01:12,657
but I don't know anything
about your dad.
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00:01:12,691 --> 00:01:13,992
Yeah, is he
still with us,
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00:01:14,026 --> 00:01:16,661
or is he living in Heaven
with Jesus Christ?
32
00:01:16,695 --> 00:01:18,663
Ugh, save that
for your black friends.
33
00:01:18,697 --> 00:01:20,331
Eh, my dad's out
there somewhere,
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00:01:20,366 --> 00:01:22,000
but I haven't spoken
to him in years.
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00:01:22,034 --> 00:01:23,301
What?! Really?!
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00:01:23,335 --> 00:01:24,969
Sorry, Cleveland,
that was mean of me.
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00:01:25,004 --> 00:01:26,838
I already forgave you.
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00:01:26,872 --> 00:01:28,873
But, Joe, why haven't you
seen your dad?
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00:01:28,908 --> 00:01:31,209
Well, he's a good guy,
but we just drifted apart.
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00:01:31,243 --> 00:01:32,377
It's no big deal.
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00:01:32,411 --> 00:01:33,945
It's a very big deal.
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00:01:33,979 --> 00:01:35,819
My dad's a stinking drunk
who lives in Ireland,
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00:01:35,848 --> 00:01:37,382
but you got
a perfectly good dad.
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00:01:37,416 --> 00:01:38,716
You can't waste that.
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00:01:38,751 --> 00:01:40,451
You gotta call him up
for Father's Day.
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00:01:40,486 --> 00:01:42,787
Peter, I don't even know
where he is.
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00:01:42,822 --> 00:01:45,023
Who's ready for another beer?
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00:01:45,057 --> 00:01:47,358
Hey, Cleveland, weren't you
supposed to buy the next round?
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00:01:47,393 --> 00:01:49,694
That's a shame Joe
never sees his dad.
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00:01:49,728 --> 00:01:50,695
I know.
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00:01:50,729 --> 00:01:51,696
Hey, you know what?
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00:01:51,730 --> 00:01:53,031
Joe's our friend.
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He should be with his dad
on Father's Day,
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and we're gonna
track him down.
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00:01:56,035 --> 00:01:58,002
Yeah, that's a
good idea, Peter.
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00:01:58,037 --> 00:01:59,671
Well, I like
helping people out.
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00:01:59,705 --> 00:02:02,273
That's why I was such a good
break-up rodeo clown.
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00:02:02,308 --> 00:02:04,275
I'm just gonna go
ahead and tell you.
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00:02:04,310 --> 00:02:05,610
I've been sleeping
with your sister.
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00:02:05,644 --> 00:02:06,945
What?!
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00:02:06,979 --> 00:02:08,379
Hey, now! Hey, now!
Over here! Over here!
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00:02:08,414 --> 00:02:10,148
Over here! Hey, now!
Hey, now! Over here!
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00:02:10,182 --> 00:02:11,482
Over here!
Hey, now! Hey, now!
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00:02:11,517 --> 00:02:12,483
Over here! Over here!
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(growls)
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00:02:15,855 --> 00:02:17,488
(echoing): Oh, and now that
I'm inside the barrel,
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00:02:17,523 --> 00:02:20,024
he gave you
and your sister HPV.
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00:02:23,495 --> 00:02:25,463
Hey, want to see
something?
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00:02:25,497 --> 00:02:27,465
Check out how hot
my last patient was.
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00:02:27,499 --> 00:02:28,466
Oh.
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00:02:28,500 --> 00:02:29,467
They look fake.
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00:02:29,501 --> 00:02:30,501
Yeah, who cares?
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00:02:30,536 --> 00:02:32,837
Okay, according
to this projection,
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00:02:32,872 --> 00:02:35,240
Stewie's adult height
will be five-foot-one.
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00:02:35,274 --> 00:02:36,241
What?!
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00:02:36,275 --> 00:02:37,976
Five-foot-one?!
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00:02:38,010 --> 00:02:40,645
Wow, Dr. Hartman,
that's really short.
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00:02:40,679 --> 00:02:43,982
I mean, I suppose it's fine
if he's gonna die at 14.
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00:02:44,016 --> 00:02:45,984
Is-is there anything
on there about that?
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00:02:46,018 --> 00:02:47,652
Well, we learned
in medical school
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00:02:47,686 --> 00:02:49,320
that the short ones
do go faster,
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'cause they smell more farts
than the rest of us.
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00:02:51,390 --> 00:02:52,357
This is terrible!
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00:02:52,391 --> 00:02:53,858
I can't be short!
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00:02:53,893 --> 00:02:57,262
I'll be an outcast, like Rudolph
the Uncircumcised Reindeer.
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00:02:57,296 --> 00:02:59,264
Look, Rudolph, it's
not me, all right?
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00:02:59,298 --> 00:03:01,266
It's Dasher, he's
been complaining,
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00:03:01,300 --> 00:03:03,268
and he is the one who has
to look at it all night.
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00:03:03,302 --> 00:03:04,602
I don't know.
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00:03:04,637 --> 00:03:06,938
Mrs. Claus says
it'll decrease my sensitivity.
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00:03:06,972 --> 00:03:09,908
I-I'm sorry, why are you
talking to my wife about this?
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00:03:13,879 --> 00:03:15,847
Okay, you guys,
it's all set.
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00:03:15,881 --> 00:03:17,515
I found Joe's dad
on the Internet,
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00:03:17,549 --> 00:03:19,851
and he just e-mailed me
to say he's coming tomorrow.
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00:03:19,885 --> 00:03:22,186
All right, great, but remember,
this is a surprise for Joe.
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00:03:22,221 --> 00:03:23,521
Why are you
looking at me?
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00:03:23,555 --> 00:03:24,856
Because you're terrible
at keeping secrets.
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00:03:24,890 --> 00:03:26,524
No, I'm not;
I'm great at it.
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00:03:26,558 --> 00:03:28,593
Like when I was
an OB/GYN.
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00:03:28,627 --> 00:03:30,261
Well, I got the results
of your ultrasound,
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00:03:30,296 --> 00:03:31,596
and I got some
news for you.
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00:03:31,630 --> 00:03:32,931
Wait, wait, wait--
(chuckles)
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We don't want to know
if it's a boy or a girl.
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(chuckling):
Oh, okay.
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00:03:35,935 --> 00:03:38,269
Well, it's
not breathing.
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Hey, guys.
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Uh, uh, so, Joe,
big day tomorrow, eh?
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Father's Day.
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Gonna be home all day,
especially at 11:30 a.m.?
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Peter.
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What? I didn't say
anything about his dad.
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My dad?
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00:03:48,914 --> 00:03:50,548
What about my dad?
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00:03:50,582 --> 00:03:54,619
Well, now that Quagmire ruined
the surprise, we found your dad!
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You what?!
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That's right.
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00:03:56,855 --> 00:03:58,189
He's coming tomorrow,
for Father's Day.
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00:03:58,223 --> 00:04:00,191
You shouldn't have
done that, Peter.
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00:04:00,225 --> 00:04:02,193
My father's not gonna
be happy to see me.
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00:04:02,227 --> 00:04:03,528
Sure he will.
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00:04:03,562 --> 00:04:05,196
Just get him one of them
Father's Day cards
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00:04:05,230 --> 00:04:06,531
what plays a song.
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"Dad to the Bone."
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00:04:07,566 --> 00:04:09,033
"I'm Dad."
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00:04:09,068 --> 00:04:11,703
Pretty much anything with
"bad," you turn it to "dad."
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00:04:11,737 --> 00:04:13,705
Wait, w-why wouldn't
your dad be happy?
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00:04:13,739 --> 00:04:15,239
What, is he a jerk
or something?
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00:04:15,274 --> 00:04:18,242
No, it's just that
ever since I was a little kid,
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00:04:18,277 --> 00:04:21,479
he was constantly making
fun of handicapped people.
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00:04:21,513 --> 00:04:23,815
Really?
Yeah, my whole life,
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00:04:23,849 --> 00:04:27,151
my-my dad would ridicule
anyone in a wheelchair.
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00:04:27,186 --> 00:04:29,487
It was all,
"Hey, spaghetti legs!"
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00:04:29,521 --> 00:04:31,823
And, "Hey, rigatoni legs!"
134
00:04:31,857 --> 00:04:34,492
And, uh, "Hey,
angel-hair legs!"
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00:04:34,526 --> 00:04:37,528
He was a sales manager
at Ronzoni.
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00:04:37,563 --> 00:04:39,864
Wow, then it must have been
hard for him to accept
137
00:04:39,898 --> 00:04:41,199
when you were
paralyzed.
138
00:04:41,233 --> 00:04:42,533
That's just it.
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00:04:42,568 --> 00:04:44,869
My dad doesn't know
I'm handicapped.
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00:04:44,903 --> 00:04:46,237
I never told him.
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00:04:46,271 --> 00:04:49,574
(sobbing): I never...
I never told him!
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00:04:49,608 --> 00:04:51,342
(cries)
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00:04:51,377 --> 00:04:52,677
Ah, Joe, don't cry.
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00:04:52,711 --> 00:04:54,145
It's gonna make me cry.
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00:04:54,179 --> 00:04:55,346
(wails)
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00:04:55,381 --> 00:04:57,015
I cry like Snoopy.
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00:04:57,049 --> 00:04:58,449
(wails)
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00:05:03,357 --> 00:05:06,559
I can't believe you invited
my father without telling me.
149
00:05:06,593 --> 00:05:08,427
You guys got to get
in touch with him
150
00:05:08,462 --> 00:05:09,662
and tell him
not to come.
151
00:05:09,696 --> 00:05:11,330
It's too late, Joe,
he's already on his way.
152
00:05:11,365 --> 00:05:12,331
He is?
153
00:05:12,366 --> 00:05:13,666
Yeah, we got him
tickets on Kayak.
154
00:05:13,700 --> 00:05:15,668
It is a nightmare
itinerary.
155
00:05:15,702 --> 00:05:17,670
It was, like, 80 bucks,
but he has four stops.
156
00:05:17,704 --> 00:05:19,505
Two of them are
in Houston.
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00:05:19,539 --> 00:05:20,840
What am I gonna do?
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00:05:20,874 --> 00:05:23,109
My dad has no idea
I'm paralyzed.
159
00:05:23,143 --> 00:05:25,111
Well, there's only
one thing we can do.
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00:05:25,145 --> 00:05:26,445
We'll just figure out a way
161
00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:28,214
to hide your handicap
from your dad.
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00:05:28,248 --> 00:05:30,216
Hide the fact
that I can't walk?
163
00:05:30,250 --> 00:05:31,884
Peter, that'll
never work.
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00:05:31,918 --> 00:05:32,885
It's worth a try.
165
00:05:32,919 --> 00:05:34,553
Come on, Joe,
don't be so negative.
166
00:05:34,588 --> 00:05:36,322
You're like a Boston
fortune cookie.
167
00:05:38,025 --> 00:05:39,325
"I don't know, numbnuts.
168
00:05:39,359 --> 00:05:42,328
Maybe buy a garage and fill it
with hockey equipment."
169
00:05:42,362 --> 00:05:43,663
Huh.
170
00:05:43,697 --> 00:05:45,665
Well, let's see
what my lucky numbers are.
171
00:05:45,699 --> 00:05:48,000
"Screw you, math dick."
172
00:05:48,035 --> 00:05:50,569
Well, that wasn't
very helpful at all.
173
00:05:55,575 --> 00:05:56,776
Here you go, Stewie.
174
00:05:56,810 --> 00:05:58,878
I know clothes shopping
always cheers you up.
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00:05:58,912 --> 00:06:01,514
I can't believe I'm only
going to be five-foot-one.
176
00:06:01,548 --> 00:06:03,149
Aw, come on, look
at the bright side.
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00:06:03,183 --> 00:06:05,217
You'll be in the front row
of every class picture.
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00:06:05,252 --> 00:06:06,519
Holding that little plaque.
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00:06:06,553 --> 00:06:07,753
You suck.
180
00:06:07,788 --> 00:06:09,622
Why don't you go drink out
of the fountain?
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00:06:09,656 --> 00:06:10,890
I'll text you
when I'm done.
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00:06:10,924 --> 00:06:12,491
I know you're
trying to be rude,
183
00:06:12,526 --> 00:06:14,860
but I am gonna do that,
because I find it enjoyable.
184
00:06:19,032 --> 00:06:20,599
Excuse me, I was
looking at this.
185
00:06:20,634 --> 00:06:22,668
Sorry, I've made a decision
to go for that shirt,
186
00:06:22,703 --> 00:06:24,170
and when that happens,
it is on.
187
00:06:24,204 --> 00:06:25,671
Full throttle, man. Pow!
188
00:06:25,706 --> 00:06:27,673
Wow, you're an energetic
little fellow.
189
00:06:27,708 --> 00:06:29,675
I guess your mommy lets
you drink coffee, huh?
190
00:06:29,710 --> 00:06:32,344
Whoa, whoa, I-I don't put
stimulants in my body.
191
00:06:32,379 --> 00:06:33,679
You know something?
192
00:06:33,714 --> 00:06:35,214
You kind of remind me
of Tom Cruise.
193
00:06:35,248 --> 00:06:36,215
Boom.
194
00:06:36,249 --> 00:06:37,550
(laughs)
195
00:06:37,584 --> 00:06:39,251
You-you got me, man.
196
00:06:39,286 --> 00:06:41,587
(gasps) Wow,
Tom Cruise.
197
00:06:41,621 --> 00:06:44,590
You look, um...
bigger in the movies.
198
00:06:44,624 --> 00:06:45,925
Wh-What are you doing here?
199
00:06:45,959 --> 00:06:48,928
Oh, I get all my clothes from
out-of-the-way toddler stores.
200
00:06:48,962 --> 00:06:50,930
Ooh, uh, you want
an animal cracker?
201
00:06:50,964 --> 00:06:52,598
Sure, you got
a lion in there?
202
00:06:52,632 --> 00:06:54,266
Oh, no,
I eat those first.
203
00:06:54,301 --> 00:06:56,602
I believe eating
the lions gives me power.
204
00:06:56,636 --> 00:06:59,538
Yeah, I hear you believe
in a lot of crazy stuff.
205
00:06:59,573 --> 00:07:01,207
What'd you get there?
A giraffe?
206
00:07:01,241 --> 00:07:02,208
Yeah.
207
00:07:02,242 --> 00:07:03,209
Good, good.
208
00:07:03,243 --> 00:07:04,210
It's good for eyesight.
209
00:07:04,244 --> 00:07:05,544
Well, you're certainly upbeat.
210
00:07:05,579 --> 00:07:07,546
Let me ask you,
doesn't it bother you
211
00:07:07,581 --> 00:07:09,548
being an adult man
who's that short?
212
00:07:09,583 --> 00:07:11,250
'Cause the doctor says
that's where I'm headed.
213
00:07:11,284 --> 00:07:12,251
Oh, no way, man.
214
00:07:12,285 --> 00:07:14,587
The middle of the word
"short" is "or."
215
00:07:14,621 --> 00:07:16,255
"Or" gives you a choice.
216
00:07:16,289 --> 00:07:18,657
And I choose not to be short.
217
00:07:18,692 --> 00:07:21,060
Wow, you need a road map
for that one.
218
00:07:21,094 --> 00:07:22,061
Hey, hey,
I'll tell you what.
219
00:07:22,095 --> 00:07:23,395
You spend the day with me,
220
00:07:23,430 --> 00:07:25,064
you'll see how great
it is to be short.
221
00:07:25,098 --> 00:07:27,399
You'll feel like
you're discovering a new world.
222
00:07:27,434 --> 00:07:29,068
And you know what's in
the middle of the word "world"?
223
00:07:29,102 --> 00:07:30,736
Um... "or"?
224
00:07:30,771 --> 00:07:32,071
Yes!
225
00:07:32,105 --> 00:07:34,073
The dots have appeared, man,
let's connect them!
226
00:07:34,107 --> 00:07:35,407
(chuckles
uncomfortably)
227
00:07:35,442 --> 00:07:37,977
You're... you're a weirdo,
but let's do this.
228
00:07:41,782 --> 00:07:43,082
All right, check
it out, Bonnie.
229
00:07:43,116 --> 00:07:45,084
This is how we're
gonna fool Joe's dad.
230
00:07:45,118 --> 00:07:46,752
Oh, my God.
231
00:07:46,787 --> 00:07:48,154
Yeah, looks
real, right?
232
00:07:48,188 --> 00:07:50,489
I put this pair of pants
on the front legs of this horse
233
00:07:50,524 --> 00:07:51,824
and strapped Joe
to the front
234
00:07:51,858 --> 00:07:53,826
with his legs tied
behind the horse's neck.
235
00:07:53,860 --> 00:07:56,495
And then we put Cinnamon's head
up the back of Joe's shirt
236
00:07:56,530 --> 00:07:58,770
and simply hid the rest of the
horse behind this curtain.
237
00:07:58,799 --> 00:08:00,099
(horse whinnies)
238
00:08:00,133 --> 00:08:02,034
His breath is very
moist, Peter.
239
00:08:02,068 --> 00:08:05,037
And to induce movement, I'm
gonna snap the horse's balls
240
00:08:05,071 --> 00:08:06,405
with this dampened
kitchen towel.
241
00:08:07,741 --> 00:08:08,707
Aah! Oh, my God!
242
00:08:08,742 --> 00:08:10,042
Holy crap, he's
out of control!
243
00:08:10,076 --> 00:08:11,944
Does it look real?
244
00:08:13,180 --> 00:08:14,113
(screams)
245
00:08:14,147 --> 00:08:15,147
Plan B! an B!
246
00:08:26,193 --> 00:08:29,495
(groans) Peter, I'm
raid this is hopeless.
247
00:08:29,529 --> 00:08:30,830
What, I don't know
what else to do.
248
00:08:30,864 --> 00:08:32,164
I mean, we're not
gonna come up
249
00:08:32,199 --> 00:08:33,833
with something better
than the horse.
250
00:08:33,867 --> 00:08:35,835
Yeah, I guess you're just
gonna have to tell your dad
251
00:08:35,869 --> 00:08:37,169
about your handicap.
252
00:08:37,204 --> 00:08:38,838
I can't do that.
253
00:08:38,872 --> 00:08:41,774
If you guys were in my shoes,
you'd understand.
254
00:08:41,808 --> 00:08:43,776
Wait a minute, that's it!
255
00:08:43,810 --> 00:08:45,778
I will get in your shoes.
256
00:08:45,812 --> 00:08:47,413
I'll just pretend to be you.
257
00:08:47,447 --> 00:08:49,081
I mean, your dad ain't
seen you in years.
258
00:08:49,115 --> 00:08:50,416
He won't know
the difference.
259
00:08:50,450 --> 00:08:51,951
What? That's crazy.
260
00:08:51,985 --> 00:08:53,285
(groaning)
261
00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:55,287
Boy, that was a close call.
262
00:08:55,322 --> 00:08:58,023
Is some of this room cold?
263
00:09:01,995 --> 00:09:03,329
All right, Peter,
almost done.
264
00:09:05,665 --> 00:09:07,299
Huh? Huh?
265
00:09:07,334 --> 00:09:08,300
Eh, kind of.
266
00:09:08,335 --> 00:09:10,035
Yeah.
I don't care.
267
00:09:10,070 --> 00:09:11,704
Peter, I don't
know about this.
268
00:09:11,738 --> 00:09:13,038
It seems like
a bad idea.
269
00:09:13,073 --> 00:09:15,708
Look, Lois, Joe is one
of my best friends, all right?
270
00:09:15,742 --> 00:09:17,376
I'm only doing this
to help him.
271
00:09:17,410 --> 00:09:19,044
Besides, wait till you hear
my "Joe" voice.
272
00:09:19,079 --> 00:09:22,047
(imitating Joe): Uh, God, I hate
being stuck in this chair.
273
00:09:22,082 --> 00:09:24,884
No, Peter,
that fights it.
274
00:09:24,918 --> 00:09:27,553
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
275
00:09:27,587 --> 00:09:30,556
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
276
00:09:30,590 --> 00:09:32,558
♪ Who do you think you are? ♪
277
00:09:32,592 --> 00:09:34,627
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
278
00:09:34,661 --> 00:09:37,529
♪ You're never gonna
get my love ♪
279
00:09:37,564 --> 00:09:39,999
♪ Now because you wear ♪
280
00:09:40,033 --> 00:09:42,635
♪ All those fancy clothes ♪
281
00:09:42,669 --> 00:09:43,869
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
282
00:09:43,904 --> 00:09:46,572
♪ And have a big fine car ♪
283
00:09:46,606 --> 00:09:48,507
♪ Oh, yes, you do now ♪
284
00:09:48,541 --> 00:09:50,242
♪ Do you think I can afford ♪
285
00:09:50,277 --> 00:09:52,244
♪ To give you my love ♪
286
00:09:52,279 --> 00:09:53,746
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
287
00:09:53,780 --> 00:09:57,583
♪ You think you're higher
than every star above ♪
288
00:09:57,617 --> 00:09:59,685
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
289
00:10:01,254 --> 00:10:03,055
♪ Who do you think you are? ♪
290
00:10:03,089 --> 00:10:05,090
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
291
00:10:06,426 --> 00:10:08,394
♪ You're never gonna
make me cry ♪
292
00:10:08,428 --> 00:10:09,895
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
293
00:10:09,930 --> 00:10:11,230
♪ Tell me, tell me... ♪
294
00:10:13,934 --> 00:10:15,234
That's Bud.
295
00:10:15,268 --> 00:10:16,235
Are you ready, Peter?
296
00:10:16,269 --> 00:10:17,236
I think so.
297
00:10:17,270 --> 00:10:18,570
What do you think,
acting coach?
298
00:10:18,605 --> 00:10:22,241
I think you will be
exemplary, Peter.
299
00:10:22,275 --> 00:10:24,576
All good acting coaches
are insane old ladies.
300
00:10:24,611 --> 00:10:26,178
Emote!
301
00:10:26,212 --> 00:10:28,180
(doorbell rings)
302
00:10:28,214 --> 00:10:29,181
Hi, Bud.
303
00:10:29,215 --> 00:10:30,182
Hi, Joe's dad.
304
00:10:30,216 --> 00:10:31,517
Uh, I mean, uh, Dad.
305
00:10:31,551 --> 00:10:33,085
Uh, Joe, I'm Joe;
you're my dad.
306
00:10:33,119 --> 00:10:34,153
Joe?
307
00:10:34,187 --> 00:10:36,288
Wow, I guess it really
has been a long time.
308
00:10:36,323 --> 00:10:37,690
I barely recognize you.
309
00:10:37,724 --> 00:10:39,191
Put on a little weight,
haven't you?
310
00:10:39,225 --> 00:10:41,226
Well, I could say
the same for you.
311
00:10:41,261 --> 00:10:42,928
(laughs)
(laughs uneasily)
312
00:10:42,963 --> 00:10:45,898
Sometimes I don't
understand why people laugh.
313
00:10:49,636 --> 00:10:51,503
All right, everyone in the car.
314
00:10:51,538 --> 00:10:53,472
We got a Father's Day
dinner reservation.
315
00:10:53,506 --> 00:10:55,541
Why is Mr. Swanson coming?
316
00:10:55,575 --> 00:10:57,109
And why is he dressed like Dad?
317
00:10:57,143 --> 00:10:58,377
I don't know, kids.
318
00:10:58,411 --> 00:11:01,380
I stopped asking after your
father said he shot a horse.
319
00:11:02,882 --> 00:11:03,882
(siren whoops twice)
320
00:11:05,919 --> 00:11:07,786
Thanks for
the ride-along.
321
00:11:07,821 --> 00:11:10,322
I liked when you sentenced those
two girls to kiss each other.
322
00:11:10,357 --> 00:11:12,925
Yeah, all girls are lesbians
when you point a gun at 'em.
323
00:11:12,959 --> 00:11:15,194
Boy, it's been great
spending time with you, son.
324
00:11:15,228 --> 00:11:17,896
It's been great spending
time with you, too...
325
00:11:17,931 --> 00:11:19,098
Dad.
326
00:11:21,668 --> 00:11:23,102
Oh, this'll be fun.
327
00:11:23,136 --> 00:11:24,436
Let's see how long it takes them
328
00:11:24,471 --> 00:11:26,171
to get Gumby over there
into the car.
329
00:11:26,206 --> 00:11:28,107
Yeah, that's our neighbor,
Peter Griffin.
330
00:11:28,141 --> 00:11:29,608
That's the guy
who e-mailed me?
331
00:11:29,642 --> 00:11:32,678
Huh, no wonder it was all caps
with tons of typos.
332
00:11:32,712 --> 00:11:33,946
He's a water head, right?
333
00:11:33,980 --> 00:11:35,180
Yeah, he's a mess.
334
00:11:35,215 --> 00:11:36,382
Look at his ugly kids.
335
00:11:36,416 --> 00:11:38,317
Pathetic.
336
00:11:38,351 --> 00:11:39,852
Ugh, he's not fitting.
337
00:11:39,886 --> 00:11:42,955
Just put some of him
in the back like skis.
338
00:11:47,460 --> 00:11:48,627
Hey, Stewie.
What's up?
339
00:11:48,661 --> 00:11:50,162
(chuckling): When you
say it like that,
340
00:11:50,196 --> 00:11:51,430
you sound just
like Tom Cruise.
341
00:11:51,464 --> 00:11:52,765
What?
Oh, yeah,
342
00:11:52,799 --> 00:11:54,033
I've been hanging
with Tom Cruise.
343
00:11:54,067 --> 00:11:55,868
You've been hanging out
with Tom Cruise?
344
00:11:55,902 --> 00:11:56,869
Sure have.
345
00:11:56,903 --> 00:11:58,170
We spent the whole
day together,
346
00:11:58,204 --> 00:11:59,338
and he showed me
347
00:11:59,372 --> 00:12:00,773
there's a lot of
advantages to being short.
348
00:12:00,807 --> 00:12:01,940
Oh, yeah? Like what?
349
00:12:01,975 --> 00:12:03,542
You're the last one
to get wet when it rains?
350
00:12:03,576 --> 00:12:04,777
Well, yeah, that.
351
00:12:04,811 --> 00:12:06,912
And you can chow
pie standing up.
352
00:12:06,946 --> 00:12:08,781
We didn't do any of that,
but the point is,
353
00:12:08,815 --> 00:12:10,449
I'm at peace
with being short.
354
00:12:10,483 --> 00:12:11,950
Full throttle, man!
Pow!
355
00:12:11,985 --> 00:12:13,485
(phone ringing)
356
00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:14,787
Hello?
357
00:12:14,821 --> 00:12:16,722
Oh, hi,
Dr. Hartman.
358
00:12:16,756 --> 00:12:18,590
Mrs. Griffin,
I have some good news.
359
00:12:18,625 --> 00:12:20,959
Turns out your son
is going to be normal height.
360
00:12:20,994 --> 00:12:23,028
I read his chart wrong
yesterday.
361
00:12:23,063 --> 00:12:26,231
Apparently, I have something
called "dislooxia"?
362
00:12:26,266 --> 00:12:28,067
That was the doctor.
363
00:12:28,101 --> 00:12:30,969
Apparently, Stewie's not
gonna be short after all.
364
00:12:31,004 --> 00:12:32,538
What? Really?
365
00:12:32,572 --> 00:12:33,906
That's wonderful news!
366
00:12:33,940 --> 00:12:35,374
Oh, I'm so relieved
367
00:12:35,408 --> 00:12:37,509
my child is spared
some heartache.
368
00:12:37,544 --> 00:12:39,978
Now, come on, Brian, I guess
we should try to make it
369
00:12:40,013 --> 00:12:41,146
over to Meg's
birthday party.
370
00:12:44,017 --> 00:12:46,085
Could I have some bread
while I open my presents?
371
00:12:46,119 --> 00:12:47,786
At this point,
we're gonna have to start
372
00:12:47,821 --> 00:12:49,321
charging you
for the bread.
373
00:12:49,355 --> 00:12:51,223
(doorbell rings)
374
00:12:51,257 --> 00:12:52,224
Hey, Stewie!
375
00:12:52,258 --> 00:12:53,425
You want to check out
the go-kart
376
00:12:53,460 --> 00:12:54,660
I used in Days of Thunder?
377
00:12:54,694 --> 00:12:55,928
Yeah, listen, um...
378
00:12:55,962 --> 00:12:58,363
I just found out I'm
actually going to be tall,
379
00:12:58,398 --> 00:13:01,200
so I'm no longer comfortable
hanging out with someone
380
00:13:01,234 --> 00:13:03,001
whose teeth are bigger
than their fingers.
381
00:13:03,036 --> 00:13:04,036
What?
382
00:13:04,070 --> 00:13:05,370
That's...
that's barely true.
383
00:13:05,405 --> 00:13:07,005
Yeah, so...
see you later.
384
00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:08,841
You are making a big mistake,
Stewie!
385
00:13:08,875 --> 00:13:12,211
Nobody walks away
from Tiny Tom Cruise!
386
00:13:12,245 --> 00:13:13,879
Yeah, except for
all three of your wives.
387
00:13:13,913 --> 00:13:15,681
Okay, I'm
shutting this now.
388
00:13:15,715 --> 00:13:18,784
Okay, so... bye!
389
00:13:22,355 --> 00:13:25,958
So now, since I switched
to disposable catheters,
390
00:13:25,992 --> 00:13:29,294
I no longer have those beet-red
infections in my urethra.
391
00:13:29,329 --> 00:13:30,329
Oh, no.
392
00:13:30,363 --> 00:13:31,563
I hope it's not genetic.
393
00:13:31,598 --> 00:13:33,165
Chris, he's
not our dad.
394
00:13:33,199 --> 00:13:35,234
I can't keep up with this ruse.
395
00:13:35,268 --> 00:13:36,702
Hey, everybody!
396
00:13:36,736 --> 00:13:38,470
Peter, finally,
you're home.
397
00:13:38,505 --> 00:13:40,405
How's it going over there
with my dad?
398
00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:42,241
Awesome. He fell for
the whole thing.
399
00:13:42,275 --> 00:13:44,042
In fact, we've been
having a great time!
400
00:13:44,077 --> 00:13:45,711
Wow, that's
terrific, Peter!
401
00:13:45,745 --> 00:13:48,180
You'll only have to pull it
off for a few more hours.
402
00:13:48,214 --> 00:13:50,883
Then he'll be on a plane
tomorrow and I can go home.
403
00:13:50,917 --> 00:13:52,217
Oh, that's
the other good news.
404
00:13:52,252 --> 00:13:53,619
Bud's not leaving!
405
00:13:53,653 --> 00:13:55,287
I told him he can move in
with me and Bonnie.
406
00:13:55,321 --> 00:13:56,288
What?!
407
00:13:56,322 --> 00:13:57,589
Peter, this is crazy!
408
00:13:57,624 --> 00:13:59,224
Na it's gonna
work out fine.
409
00:13:59,259 --> 00:14:00,392
Oh, and remember, Joe,
410
00:14:00,426 --> 00:14:01,894
if Lois is feeling
frisky at night,
411
00:14:01,928 --> 00:14:04,363
it's index finger
around and clockwise.
412
00:14:04,397 --> 00:14:05,864
And just keep
doing that to yourself
413
00:14:05,899 --> 00:14:07,132
until you're good to go.
414
00:14:11,692 --> 00:14:13,660
Peter, this is ridiculous.
415
00:14:13,694 --> 00:14:16,796
You can't live in my house
with my dad and my family!
416
00:14:16,830 --> 00:14:19,165
Your dad got me
super clean in the tub.
417
00:14:19,199 --> 00:14:20,967
Joe's right,
this is idiotic.
418
00:14:21,001 --> 00:14:22,268
What are you thinking?
419
00:14:22,302 --> 00:14:23,536
I'll tell you what I'm thinking.
420
00:14:23,570 --> 00:14:25,204
I'm thinking that
I've had two dads
421
00:14:25,239 --> 00:14:27,674
and neither one cared for me
as much as Bud does.
422
00:14:27,708 --> 00:14:29,042
Peter, I've had
enough of this!
423
00:14:29,076 --> 00:14:30,610
You can't just
take my dad!
424
00:14:30,644 --> 00:14:31,811
Well, he's right
next door.
425
00:14:31,845 --> 00:14:33,613
Nothing's stopping you
from going over there
426
00:14:33,647 --> 00:14:34,947
and telling him the truth:
427
00:14:34,982 --> 00:14:37,483
that his son is a paraplegic
who's stuck in a wheelchair.
428
00:14:37,518 --> 00:14:38,885
You know I
can't do that.
429
00:14:38,919 --> 00:14:40,620
Ah, suit yourself.
But I gotta go.
430
00:14:40,654 --> 00:14:42,422
Me and Bud are
having a blast.
431
00:14:44,124 --> 00:14:45,525
I'm sorry, Joe.
432
00:14:45,559 --> 00:14:46,859
A-Are you okay?
433
00:14:46,894 --> 00:14:48,227
Not really.
434
00:14:48,262 --> 00:14:49,996
I'll be honest,
Lois, this hurts.
435
00:14:50,030 --> 00:14:51,764
Hurts like the Dickens.
436
00:14:51,799 --> 00:14:53,733
I've finished
my latest novel.
437
00:14:53,767 --> 00:14:54,767
Splendid, Charles!
438
00:14:54,802 --> 00:14:55,768
What is it called?
439
00:14:55,803 --> 00:14:56,969
Oliver Nipple-Twist.
440
00:14:57,004 --> 00:14:58,037
Ow!
441
00:14:58,072 --> 00:14:59,639
Oh, Charles, you bastard!
442
00:14:59,673 --> 00:15:00,873
Yeah! The Dickens!
443
00:15:00,908 --> 00:15:03,042
It hurts like the me!
444
00:15:08,582 --> 00:15:12,018
So, anyone going to
the gerbil's funeral on Friday?
445
00:15:12,052 --> 00:15:13,152
Okay, kids!
446
00:15:13,187 --> 00:15:15,054
Everyone in a circle
for parachute time.
447
00:15:15,089 --> 00:15:18,024
Oh, goodie,
I love parachute time!
448
00:15:20,527 --> 00:15:22,729
ALL:
Whee!
449
00:15:22,763 --> 00:15:24,464
Whee!
450
00:15:25,299 --> 00:15:26,933
Whee!
451
00:15:26,967 --> 00:15:28,601
What the hell?
452
00:15:28,635 --> 00:15:30,870
That kid looked like
Tiny Tom Cruise.
453
00:15:30,904 --> 00:15:32,171
Whee!
454
00:15:32,206 --> 00:15:34,307
Huh.
Must've been my imagination.
455
00:15:35,476 --> 00:15:36,476
Aah!
456
00:15:36,510 --> 00:15:38,444
If you think
you're getting away from me,
457
00:15:38,479 --> 00:15:40,179
you've got a crazy laugh
coming, friend.
458
00:15:40,214 --> 00:15:42,582
(laughs crazily)
459
00:15:42,616 --> 00:15:44,083
Aah!
460
00:15:44,118 --> 00:15:46,119
(continues laughing)
461
00:15:51,291 --> 00:15:52,759
(panting)
462
00:15:52,793 --> 00:15:54,127
Hey, what are you doing home
so early?
463
00:15:54,161 --> 00:15:55,128
He's following me, Brian!
464
00:15:55,162 --> 00:15:56,195
Who's following you?
465
00:15:56,230 --> 00:15:57,396
Tom Cruise!
466
00:15:57,431 --> 00:15:59,065
I spend one afternoon
with the guy,
467
00:15:59,099 --> 00:16:00,733
and it's like I signed
an eight-year contract
468
00:16:00,768 --> 00:16:02,201
to show up at events with him
469
00:16:02,236 --> 00:16:03,936
and let him fake-father a child.
470
00:16:03,971 --> 00:16:05,638
Stewie, I would think Tom Cruise
471
00:16:05,672 --> 00:16:07,740
has better things to do
than follow you around.
472
00:16:07,775 --> 00:16:08,741
Oh, really?
473
00:16:08,776 --> 00:16:09,842
Well, explain that!
474
00:16:17,217 --> 00:16:19,452
You know, it's times
like this where I think,
475
00:16:19,486 --> 00:16:21,687
if I didn't talk and
you were a normal baby,
476
00:16:21,722 --> 00:16:23,422
we wouldn't have
any of these problems.
477
00:16:23,457 --> 00:16:24,757
You gotta help me
get rid of him, Brian!
478
00:16:24,792 --> 00:16:26,425
He's creepier
than that guy at the gym
479
00:16:26,460 --> 00:16:28,427
who just does karate
in the mirror.
480
00:16:30,197 --> 00:16:31,297
It's me.
481
00:16:31,331 --> 00:16:32,298
The guy's me.
482
00:16:32,332 --> 00:16:33,733
I'm a gym karate creep.
483
00:16:36,937 --> 00:16:38,037
I'm pretty good, too.
484
00:16:38,071 --> 00:16:39,205
But relax.
485
00:16:39,239 --> 00:16:41,240
If I wanted you dead,
you'd be dead.
486
00:16:45,012 --> 00:16:47,280
Hey, Dad, what do you
say we go play catch?
487
00:16:47,314 --> 00:16:48,447
And throw me
some divers.
488
00:16:48,482 --> 00:16:50,983
I want to get grass stains
on my school slacks.
489
00:16:51,018 --> 00:16:52,018
What?
490
00:16:52,052 --> 00:16:53,186
You're a grown man.
491
00:16:53,220 --> 00:16:55,354
I know, it's just so
great having a dad.
492
00:16:55,389 --> 00:16:57,857
Well, it's nice having
reconnected with you, too.
493
00:16:57,891 --> 00:17:00,426
All right, let's do it.
494
00:17:06,867 --> 00:17:08,167
Oh, for God's sake.
495
00:17:08,202 --> 00:17:10,169
See, a guy like that
should just stay inside
496
00:17:10,204 --> 00:17:11,504
so we don't have
to look at him.
497
00:17:11,538 --> 00:17:12,738
Joe, go over there
498
00:17:12,773 --> 00:17:14,207
and tell him to get
back in his house.
499
00:17:14,241 --> 00:17:16,676
Don't worry, I'll
take care of it.
500
00:17:16,710 --> 00:17:17,910
Joe, you gotta go inside.
501
00:17:17,945 --> 00:17:19,111
You're upsetting my dad.
502
00:17:19,146 --> 00:17:21,013
Your dad?
That's right!
503
00:17:21,048 --> 00:17:22,415
He loves me
in a way that...
504
00:17:22,449 --> 00:17:24,083
Aw, you guys had pizza?
505
00:17:24,117 --> 00:17:25,585
Screw you, Peter!
506
00:17:25,619 --> 00:17:27,186
You know what? This is over!
507
00:17:27,221 --> 00:17:28,387
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
508
00:17:28,422 --> 00:17:29,388
Not a chance.
509
00:17:29,423 --> 00:17:30,723
I like your house better.
510
00:17:30,757 --> 00:17:32,625
I got nothing to hold onto
when I poop at home.
511
00:17:32,659 --> 00:17:35,194
You have no idea how many shower
curtains I've ripped down.
512
00:17:35,229 --> 00:17:36,195
Now get inside.
513
00:17:36,230 --> 00:17:37,930
No, I'm not
gonna do that.
514
00:17:37,965 --> 00:17:39,131
Oh, yes, you are!
515
00:17:39,166 --> 00:17:41,667
Get away from me,
you son of a bitch!
516
00:17:41,702 --> 00:17:43,502
What the hell?
517
00:17:43,537 --> 00:17:45,238
Joe, don't take that
from him!
518
00:17:47,241 --> 00:17:48,241
(Peter grunts)
519
00:17:48,275 --> 00:17:49,542
How do you like that?
520
00:17:49,576 --> 00:17:51,811
You're getting
your ass kicked by a cripple!
521
00:17:51,845 --> 00:17:54,547
A helpless,
spaghetti-legged cripple!
522
00:17:54,581 --> 00:17:55,648
What are you doing?
523
00:17:55,682 --> 00:17:56,782
You're my son!
524
00:17:56,817 --> 00:17:58,117
You can't let yourself
get beat up
525
00:17:58,151 --> 00:17:59,652
by a guy
in a wheelchair!
526
00:17:59,686 --> 00:18:02,889
Your son is a guy
in a wheelchair.
527
00:18:02,923 --> 00:18:04,657
What are you talking about?
528
00:18:06,260 --> 00:18:08,261
(sighs)
529
00:18:09,930 --> 00:18:11,731
(gasps)
(gasps)
530
00:18:11,765 --> 00:18:12,798
Yes.
531
00:18:12,833 --> 00:18:13,933
Yes, Dad.
532
00:18:13,967 --> 00:18:15,268
It's me.
533
00:18:15,302 --> 00:18:16,969
(grunting)
534
00:18:17,004 --> 00:18:18,304
Joe!
535
00:18:18,338 --> 00:18:19,605
What the hell
happened to you?
536
00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:21,274
I was shot in
the line of duty.
537
00:18:21,308 --> 00:18:23,609
(laughs)
"Line of duty."
538
00:18:23,644 --> 00:18:26,779
So, this is why you haven't
called me in all these years?
539
00:18:26,813 --> 00:18:28,114
How could I, Dad?
540
00:18:28,148 --> 00:18:30,049
You always made fun
of handicapped people.
541
00:18:30,083 --> 00:18:33,552
The only thing I never
understood was... why?
542
00:18:33,587 --> 00:18:35,087
I don't know.
543
00:18:35,122 --> 00:18:36,756
I guess I could
never stand the thought
544
00:18:36,790 --> 00:18:38,257
of something like that
happening to me.
545
00:18:38,292 --> 00:18:41,093
Or even worse, to someone
that I care about.
546
00:18:41,128 --> 00:18:43,229
One time, my legs fell
asleep on the toilet.
547
00:18:43,263 --> 00:18:44,897
I had to crawl
into the living room
548
00:18:44,932 --> 00:18:46,332
and interrupt
Lois's book club.
549
00:18:46,366 --> 00:18:48,734
That was one of the shower
curtains I ripped down.
550
00:18:48,769 --> 00:18:51,170
And I suppose, deep down,
I was afraid.
551
00:18:51,204 --> 00:18:52,772
Afraid that, if it did happen,
552
00:18:52,806 --> 00:18:54,607
I wouldn't be strong enough
to handle it.
553
00:18:54,641 --> 00:18:57,310
Well, Dad, I can tell you
from experience
554
00:18:57,344 --> 00:18:59,779
it's only when
your worst fears come true
555
00:18:59,813 --> 00:19:03,049
that you get to find out
how strong you really are.
556
00:19:03,083 --> 00:19:05,618
Then I guess I've got
some learning to do.
557
00:19:05,652 --> 00:19:07,253
I love you, son.
558
00:19:07,287 --> 00:19:08,967
I love you, too, Dad.
I love you, too, Dad.
559
00:19:13,727 --> 00:19:15,194
Hey, Joe, uh,
just one question:
560
00:19:15,228 --> 00:19:17,430
why do you have all those
Wizard of Oz plates?
561
00:19:17,464 --> 00:19:19,298
Because if I finish
my vegetables,
562
00:19:19,333 --> 00:19:21,767
I get to see
the Yellow Brick Road.
563
00:19:21,802 --> 00:19:23,803
All right,
you sold me.
564
00:19:27,140 --> 00:19:28,274
All right, Brian,
565
00:19:28,308 --> 00:19:30,176
Tiny Tom Cruise
is somewhere close.
566
00:19:30,210 --> 00:19:31,777
I can sense
his manic energy.
567
00:19:31,812 --> 00:19:33,112
You remember the plan?
568
00:19:33,146 --> 00:19:34,714
Yup, I got it.
569
00:19:34,748 --> 00:19:37,583
Help, help!
My dog got off his leash!
570
00:19:37,617 --> 00:19:40,186
Is there anyone
who can do a pumpy-arm run?
571
00:19:41,655 --> 00:19:44,490
Running, running, running,
running, running, running, run!
572
00:19:44,524 --> 00:19:47,159
Hey, Stewie. I'm here to help
you for the next billion years.
573
00:19:47,194 --> 00:19:48,427
All right, good to know.
574
00:19:48,462 --> 00:19:50,096
Anyway, my dog ran
around those bushes.
575
00:19:50,130 --> 00:19:51,130
I am on it!
576
00:19:52,399 --> 00:19:54,367
Gotcha!
577
00:19:54,401 --> 00:19:56,268
All right,
off to Zappos with him.
578
00:19:56,303 --> 00:19:57,603
You sure this
is gonna work?
579
00:19:57,637 --> 00:19:59,238
Oh, yeah.
They'll accept any returns.
580
00:19:59,272 --> 00:20:01,173
We don't even
have to pay postage.
581
00:20:03,110 --> 00:20:05,144
Hello, friend.
Your life...
582
00:20:05,178 --> 00:20:06,712
is about to change.
583
00:20:06,747 --> 00:20:09,648
Hey, Tom. It's been
a couple weeks.
584
00:20:13,987 --> 00:20:17,156
Hey, listen, Joe, I'm sorry
I treated you like such a jerk.
585
00:20:17,190 --> 00:20:18,691
Well, that's okay, Peter.
586
00:20:18,725 --> 00:20:21,494
In fact, I got to say, it
was a nice thing you did.
587
00:20:21,528 --> 00:20:24,930
I'm glad I reconnected with
my dad after all these years.
588
00:20:24,965 --> 00:20:26,532
Ah, it was my pleasure.
589
00:20:26,566 --> 00:20:28,467
There's no more important
relationship than...
590
00:20:28,502 --> 00:20:29,802
I'm sorry, Cleveland,
what the hell
591
00:20:29,836 --> 00:20:31,504
is that
Toronto Raptors hat?
592
00:20:31,538 --> 00:20:32,838
It was my
Father's Day present.
593
00:20:32,873 --> 00:20:34,040
I hate it.
594
00:20:34,074 --> 00:20:35,741
I'm just gonna
wear it for a week
595
00:20:35,776 --> 00:20:37,076
then say
I lost it.
596
00:20:37,110 --> 00:20:38,878
Anyway, thanks for
helping me, Peter.
597
00:20:38,912 --> 00:20:40,846
Yeah, it all
worked out great, Joe.
598
00:20:40,881 --> 00:20:43,682
Except I am still missing
that one pair of pants.
599
00:20:45,685 --> 00:20:47,686
(tires screech)
600
00:20:51,134 --> 00:20:54,809
Excuse me,
are those Bugle Boy jeans?
601
00:20:54,810 --> 00:20:57,810
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man