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00:00:00,604 --> 00:00:03,545
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:03,645 --> 00:00:06,946
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:06,981 --> 00:00:10,616
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:10,652 --> 00:00:13,619
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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00:00:13,655 --> 00:00:17,056
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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00:00:21,930 --> 00:00:23,362
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:23,398 --> 00:00:23,938
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:23,939 --> 00:00:27,939
♪ Family Guy 14x16 ♪
The Heartbreak Dog
Original Air Date on March 13, 2016
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00:00:27,940 --> 00:00:32,940
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
12
00:00:32,941 --> 00:00:35,241
(low chatter,
slow, jazz music plays)
13
00:00:35,276 --> 00:00:37,143
(knocking)
14
00:00:37,178 --> 00:00:40,313
Hey, welcome to Bonnie's
29th birthday party.
15
00:00:40,348 --> 00:00:43,549
(laughing):
I ca... I can't keep this up.
16
00:00:43,585 --> 00:00:45,151
She's 46.
17
00:00:45,186 --> 00:00:46,986
Here, we brought you guys
an orchid from Trader Joe's,
18
00:00:47,021 --> 00:00:48,321
because we don't know
19
00:00:48,356 --> 00:00:50,623
or care about
any of your interests.
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00:00:53,461 --> 00:00:55,094
Well, I put together
some videos
21
00:00:55,130 --> 00:00:56,596
for Bonnie's party.
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00:00:56,631 --> 00:00:58,397
Here we are on our honeymoon.
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00:00:58,433 --> 00:01:00,700
(mariachi music playing)
24
00:01:06,508 --> 00:01:08,407
Yeah, Cabo was great.
25
00:01:08,443 --> 00:01:10,676
We even went back
for our 10th anniversary.
26
00:01:10,712 --> 00:01:14,514
(mariachi music playing)
27
00:01:23,124 --> 00:01:25,825
Better wrap it up,
honey, tide's coming in.
28
00:01:25,860 --> 00:01:27,493
Well, let's break for presents,
29
00:01:27,529 --> 00:01:29,695
but after that, I'll show you
Susie's birth video,
30
00:01:29,731 --> 00:01:31,130
and I'll tell you,
she fell out of there
31
00:01:31,166 --> 00:01:33,366
like an orange out
of an old dress sock.
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00:01:33,401 --> 00:01:36,869
Ugh, I have to text Rupert
what a train wreck this is.
33
00:01:36,905 --> 00:01:38,104
(quacking sound)
34
00:01:38,139 --> 00:01:40,540
Hey, I want real things.
35
00:01:44,379 --> 00:01:46,879
(toilet flushing)
36
00:01:46,915 --> 00:01:49,615
Kind of weird they're keeping
all our jackets in the tub.
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00:01:49,651 --> 00:01:51,250
(crying)
38
00:01:53,354 --> 00:01:54,720
(crying continues)
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00:01:54,756 --> 00:01:55,955
Bonnie?
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00:01:55,990 --> 00:01:57,623
I told you, Joe,
41
00:01:57,659 --> 00:01:58,659
when we're alone,
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00:01:58,693 --> 00:02:00,326
you can call me "Bonald."
43
00:02:00,361 --> 00:02:02,028
No, i-it's me, Brian.
44
00:02:02,063 --> 00:02:03,396
Is that your real name?
45
00:02:03,431 --> 00:02:05,831
I mean, are you...
are you okay?
46
00:02:05,867 --> 00:02:06,966
Sorry, am I
allowed on the bed?
47
00:02:07,001 --> 00:02:08,467
I guess so.
48
00:02:08,503 --> 00:02:09,535
What's wrong?
49
00:02:09,571 --> 00:02:10,670
Nothing.
50
00:02:10,705 --> 00:02:11,904
I have something
in my eye.
51
00:02:11,940 --> 00:02:13,172
Yes, you do.
52
00:02:13,208 --> 00:02:14,840
It looks
like sadness.
53
00:02:14,876 --> 00:02:16,309
Come on, you
can tell me.
54
00:02:16,344 --> 00:02:17,810
I'm your
neighbor's dog.
55
00:02:17,845 --> 00:02:18,978
I don't know.
56
00:02:19,013 --> 00:02:20,253
It's just that
when I was young,
57
00:02:20,281 --> 00:02:21,414
I had so many things
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00:02:21,449 --> 00:02:23,382
I wanted to do
with my life,
59
00:02:23,418 --> 00:02:25,251
but now, I'm 46,
60
00:02:25,286 --> 00:02:28,688
and all I've ever done
is take care of Joe.
61
00:02:28,723 --> 00:02:30,223
And now you feel like
you never had a chance
62
00:02:30,258 --> 00:02:31,824
to be your true self.
63
00:02:31,859 --> 00:02:32,992
Yeah.
64
00:02:33,027 --> 00:02:34,360
I know just how you feel.
65
00:02:34,395 --> 00:02:35,928
I mean, I'm happy
that Peter found me
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00:02:35,964 --> 00:02:37,496
and gave me a home, but
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00:02:37,532 --> 00:02:38,664
sometimes I wonder
68
00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:40,266
if I'd be happier
on my own.
69
00:02:40,301 --> 00:02:41,601
Exactly.
70
00:02:41,636 --> 00:02:43,369
It's like sometimes,
I feel...
71
00:02:43,404 --> 00:02:44,570
Trapped?
72
00:02:44,606 --> 00:02:48,274
No, I was going to say,
"like the Von Trapps."
73
00:02:48,309 --> 00:02:50,843
You know, unable to leave
their home in Austria.
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00:02:50,878 --> 00:02:53,913
Oh. Well, that still
is remarkably close.
75
00:02:53,948 --> 00:02:57,516
Thanks for being
so nice to me, Brian.
76
00:02:57,552 --> 00:03:00,019
Why are you scratching
behind my ear?
77
00:03:00,054 --> 00:03:01,420
I... I don't...
I don't know.
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00:03:01,456 --> 00:03:02,955
I thought it might
make you feel better.
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00:03:02,991 --> 00:03:05,391
It does feel kind of nice.
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00:03:05,426 --> 00:03:06,726
You're a good girl.
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00:03:06,761 --> 00:03:08,394
You're going to be okay.
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00:03:13,434 --> 00:03:15,968
(soft moaning)
83
00:03:16,004 --> 00:03:17,203
I'm... I'm sorry.
84
00:03:17,238 --> 00:03:18,404
I did... I didn't...
I didn't mean...
85
00:03:18,439 --> 00:03:19,872
No, it's okay.
86
00:03:19,907 --> 00:03:21,941
Um... I better go downstairs
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00:03:21,976 --> 00:03:23,643
before Joe realizes
I'm gone.
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00:03:23,678 --> 00:03:25,144
And before Peter
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00:03:25,179 --> 00:03:27,280
gets into the stuff
that's not for the party.
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00:03:27,315 --> 00:03:29,115
PETER:
Aw, Halloween candy!
91
00:03:29,150 --> 00:03:31,317
JOE: Peter, get out
of the pantry.
92
00:03:31,352 --> 00:03:34,086
Ah, I can't believe I just
kissed my friend's wife.
93
00:03:34,122 --> 00:03:36,489
I'm a bigger scumbag than Spock.
94
00:03:36,524 --> 00:03:38,124
I heard that there
was a Romulan ship
95
00:03:38,159 --> 00:03:39,825
spotted in our sector,
which means...
96
00:03:39,861 --> 00:03:41,627
Hey, hey.
97
00:03:41,663 --> 00:03:44,163
(jabbering)
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00:03:47,869 --> 00:03:49,835
Kids, this morning,
Principal Shepherd
99
00:03:49,871 --> 00:03:51,070
wanted to say a few words.
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00:03:51,105 --> 00:03:52,405
Thank you, Mrs. Abbott.
101
00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:54,840
Uh, before I start,
are these the normal kids
102
00:03:54,876 --> 00:03:56,809
or kind of the
"dur, dur" ones?
103
00:03:56,844 --> 00:03:58,477
It's a healthy mix.
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00:03:58,513 --> 00:03:59,513
Good morning, children.
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00:03:59,547 --> 00:04:01,080
It's that time
of the year again
106
00:04:01,115 --> 00:04:03,449
to fulfill your
community service requirement
107
00:04:03,484 --> 00:04:04,850
by signing up
for volunteer work.
108
00:04:04,886 --> 00:04:06,319
Do we get to choose
our own jobs?
109
00:04:06,354 --> 00:04:07,586
No, no, no, no.
110
00:04:07,622 --> 00:04:09,422
The jobs will be
assigned randomly
111
00:04:09,457 --> 00:04:11,023
but the cooler
and prettier students
112
00:04:11,059 --> 00:04:12,191
have the better jobs.
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00:04:12,226 --> 00:04:14,160
For instance, blonde
chick in the third row
114
00:04:14,195 --> 00:04:16,095
will wash my car
this afternoon
115
00:04:16,130 --> 00:04:18,297
while, Little Miss Frumpkin
with all the questions,
116
00:04:18,333 --> 00:04:20,199
will work in an
old folks' home.
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00:04:20,234 --> 00:04:21,701
Is "frumpkin" good?
118
00:04:21,736 --> 00:04:23,903
(laughing):
No, no.
119
00:04:28,476 --> 00:04:29,942
Brian, what are you
doing up so late?
120
00:04:29,977 --> 00:04:31,677
Ah, I'm having
trouble sleeping.
121
00:04:31,713 --> 00:04:33,479
I got to tell you something.
122
00:04:33,514 --> 00:04:35,681
I kissed Bonnie last night.
123
00:04:35,717 --> 00:04:36,816
What?!
124
00:04:36,851 --> 00:04:38,117
I know! I know!
It was a huge mistake.
125
00:04:38,152 --> 00:04:39,952
So let's just do two
or three high-fives
126
00:04:39,987 --> 00:04:41,220
and then forget
it ever happened.
127
00:04:41,255 --> 00:04:43,055
Brian, if Joe finds out,
he'll kill you.
128
00:04:43,091 --> 00:04:44,123
Yeah, no kidding.
129
00:04:44,158 --> 00:04:45,157
That's why you can't
tell anybody.
130
00:04:45,193 --> 00:04:46,225
Promise me.
131
00:04:46,260 --> 00:04:47,360
Oh, don't worry.
Don't worry.
132
00:04:47,395 --> 00:04:48,828
I'm great at
keeping secrets.
133
00:04:48,863 --> 00:04:49,862
Well, except for
that one time
134
00:04:49,897 --> 00:04:51,697
you discovered
my hidden shame.
135
00:04:53,868 --> 00:04:55,201
Peter?
136
00:04:55,236 --> 00:04:56,302
Brian.
137
00:04:56,337 --> 00:04:58,137
I'm, uh, I'm sorry.
138
00:04:58,172 --> 00:05:00,339
I'm one of these guys now.
139
00:05:00,375 --> 00:05:03,609
I'm sorry, Brian, I'm sorry.
140
00:05:08,282 --> 00:05:09,382
Mrs. Parkhurst?
141
00:05:09,417 --> 00:05:11,183
I'm Meg, your new
student volunteer.
142
00:05:11,219 --> 00:05:15,354
Oh, you must be my
new student volunteer.
143
00:05:15,390 --> 00:05:16,922
Yeah, I just said that.
144
00:05:16,958 --> 00:05:18,591
What's your name, dear?
145
00:05:18,626 --> 00:05:20,025
It's Meg.
146
00:05:20,061 --> 00:05:21,761
Can... can I get
a new person?
147
00:05:21,796 --> 00:05:23,562
Nonsense, come in,
148
00:05:23,598 --> 00:05:24,997
and between you and me,
149
00:05:25,032 --> 00:05:27,600
I hate my new
student volunteer.
150
00:05:27,635 --> 00:05:29,168
That ugly little Meg.
151
00:05:29,203 --> 00:05:30,703
She says she's a girl,
152
00:05:30,738 --> 00:05:33,506
but she certainly has
a boy's body odor.
153
00:05:33,541 --> 00:05:35,474
(sighs)
154
00:05:39,147 --> 00:05:40,479
(doorbell ringing)
155
00:05:42,116 --> 00:05:43,416
Oh, come on in.
156
00:05:43,451 --> 00:05:45,751
Peter, Joe and Bonnie
are here for game night.
157
00:05:45,787 --> 00:05:46,952
Game night?
158
00:05:46,988 --> 00:05:48,821
Yeah, I figured it was
the least we could do,
159
00:05:48,856 --> 00:05:50,990
since you pulled up
a beheading video on your phone
160
00:05:51,025 --> 00:05:53,058
at their party
and showed it to everyone.
161
00:05:53,094 --> 00:05:55,161
It was really more about
how loud my phone can get.
162
00:05:55,196 --> 00:05:56,228
Peter, we're doing this.
163
00:05:56,264 --> 00:05:57,763
(sighs)
All right.
164
00:05:57,799 --> 00:05:59,265
But the Operation game
is out of batteries,
165
00:05:59,300 --> 00:06:00,800
so I'll have to
make the noise.
166
00:06:00,835 --> 00:06:01,967
(imitates buzzer)
167
00:06:02,003 --> 00:06:03,135
You hear that?
168
00:06:03,171 --> 00:06:07,640
That's the sound
of bad surgery.
169
00:06:07,675 --> 00:06:09,208
All right,
I'm awesome at charades.
170
00:06:09,243 --> 00:06:10,409
Guys are going first.
171
00:06:10,445 --> 00:06:12,144
Okay, go.
172
00:06:12,180 --> 00:06:13,746
Uh, About a Boy.
173
00:06:13,781 --> 00:06:15,614
Uh, Four...
Four Weddings and a Funeral.
174
00:06:15,650 --> 00:06:17,249
Uh, Nine Months.
175
00:06:17,285 --> 00:06:18,451
Notting Hill.
176
00:06:18,486 --> 00:06:20,052
Yes, it was Notting Hill.
177
00:06:20,087 --> 00:06:22,188
I'm going to go
get more wine.
178
00:06:23,524 --> 00:06:25,090
Oh, hey.
179
00:06:25,126 --> 00:06:26,492
Hi, Brian.
180
00:06:26,527 --> 00:06:28,761
Um, listen,
about the other night.
181
00:06:28,796 --> 00:06:30,930
You haven't told anyone,
have you?
182
00:06:30,965 --> 00:06:32,431
No, no, of course not.
183
00:06:32,467 --> 00:06:34,133
I was going to
ask if you had.
184
00:06:34,168 --> 00:06:36,068
Hey, Brian,
can you bring me up a snack?
185
00:06:36,103 --> 00:06:37,436
I'm supposed to be in bed.
186
00:06:37,472 --> 00:06:39,405
Look, the other
night was great,
187
00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:40,573
but it was a mistake.
188
00:06:40,608 --> 00:06:41,740
You're right.
189
00:06:41,776 --> 00:06:44,477
STEWIE:
Oh, man, what?
190
00:06:44,512 --> 00:06:45,911
Yeah, I me... I mean, there's...
191
00:06:45,947 --> 00:06:48,180
there's definitely some kind
of connection between us, but...
192
00:06:48,216 --> 00:06:49,782
I felt it, too,
193
00:06:49,817 --> 00:06:52,251
but maybe in another life, huh?
194
00:06:52,286 --> 00:06:54,186
(sighs) Yeah, I guess
you're right.
195
00:06:54,222 --> 00:06:55,654
This could never work.
196
00:06:55,690 --> 00:06:57,823
Like porn movies
before sound.
197
00:06:57,859 --> 00:06:59,658
(lively piano music playing)
198
00:06:59,694 --> 00:07:04,296
(moaning and grunting)
199
00:07:04,332 --> 00:07:05,865
Ooh.
200
00:07:05,900 --> 00:07:07,766
Oh, there you are.
201
00:07:07,802 --> 00:07:09,134
Come on, Bonnie,
it's Joe's turn.
202
00:07:09,170 --> 00:07:11,504
Okay, here we go,
uh, uh, crippled guy...
203
00:07:11,539 --> 00:07:13,472
uh, cheating wife...
204
00:07:13,508 --> 00:07:16,275
uh, uh, cheating wife
of a crippled guy...
205
00:07:16,310 --> 00:07:19,345
Uh, dog... some... something
with a dog... uh, dog kiss.
206
00:07:19,380 --> 00:07:21,347
I-I-I, uh, I think
that's, uh, time.
207
00:07:21,382 --> 00:07:22,348
Your, your turn is over.
208
00:07:22,383 --> 00:07:23,616
Oh, sounds like, uh, sounds like
209
00:07:23,651 --> 00:07:25,584
dog kisses crippled guy's wife
210
00:07:25,620 --> 00:07:26,819
at your party.
211
00:07:26,854 --> 00:07:28,220
Wait, wait! I know it.
212
00:07:28,256 --> 00:07:30,022
The other night at your party,
Brian kissed Bonnie.
213
00:07:30,057 --> 00:07:31,123
(all gasp)
LOIS: What?
214
00:07:31,158 --> 00:07:33,292
Bonnie, is this true?
215
00:07:33,327 --> 00:07:34,994
Oh, my God.
216
00:07:35,029 --> 00:07:36,996
I know, making out with a dog?
217
00:07:37,031 --> 00:07:40,266
Can you even imagine a woman who
possibly does that for real?
218
00:07:50,874 --> 00:07:52,073
Uh, hi, Joe.
219
00:07:52,109 --> 00:07:53,374
Hi, Brian.
220
00:07:53,410 --> 00:07:55,977
Look, I-I want to apologize
for what happened.
221
00:07:56,012 --> 00:07:58,313
I-I-I didn't mean
to kiss Bonnie.
222
00:07:58,348 --> 00:08:00,148
Everybody had a little
too much to drink.
223
00:08:00,183 --> 00:08:01,716
It-it just happened.
224
00:08:01,751 --> 00:08:03,418
Uh, I hope we're still cool.
225
00:08:03,453 --> 00:08:04,853
Hey, don't worry about it.
226
00:08:04,888 --> 00:08:06,154
It was a crazy party.
227
00:08:06,189 --> 00:08:07,722
We ran out of salsa.
228
00:08:07,757 --> 00:08:09,057
(laughing)
229
00:08:09,092 --> 00:08:10,925
How do you run out of salsa?
230
00:08:10,961 --> 00:08:12,660
Anyway, we're good.
231
00:08:12,696 --> 00:08:13,895
(relieved sigh)
Really?
232
00:08:13,930 --> 00:08:15,096
Oh, thank God.
233
00:08:15,132 --> 00:08:17,398
I-I-I was worried you'd be mad.
234
00:08:17,434 --> 00:08:19,734
Mad? At my buddy, Brian?
235
00:08:19,769 --> 00:08:20,935
Not a chance.
236
00:08:20,971 --> 00:08:22,303
Hey, is that your car?
237
00:08:24,941 --> 00:08:26,107
What? No!
238
00:08:26,143 --> 00:08:27,108
Wh-what's he doing?
239
00:08:27,144 --> 00:08:28,710
My car was parked legally.
240
00:08:28,745 --> 00:08:31,246
Huh. Well, maybe your car
241
00:08:31,281 --> 00:08:33,882
violated some sort
of unspoken boundary.
242
00:08:33,917 --> 00:08:36,084
One that nobody
bothers to codify
243
00:08:36,119 --> 00:08:38,520
because it's just
common decency.
244
00:08:38,555 --> 00:08:40,221
Hey, Joe, is that the guy?
245
00:08:40,257 --> 00:08:41,257
Read your text, Jerry.
246
00:08:41,291 --> 00:08:42,957
Not supposed to say
you know me.
247
00:08:42,993 --> 00:08:44,859
Well, I hope your day
gets better, Brian,
248
00:08:44,895 --> 00:08:47,862
but, uh, I wouldn't
count on it.
249
00:08:47,898 --> 00:08:49,831
(evil laughter)
250
00:08:54,838 --> 00:08:57,372
Boy, it wasn't easy
Mrs. Parkhurst,
251
00:08:57,407 --> 00:08:58,940
but I think we
got the nail
252
00:08:58,975 --> 00:09:00,642
that was poking
through your slipper.
253
00:09:00,677 --> 00:09:02,577
Well, you strike
me as someone
254
00:09:02,612 --> 00:09:04,279
who's never going
to get married,
255
00:09:04,314 --> 00:09:05,480
that's for sure.
256
00:09:05,515 --> 00:09:07,549
Now get me my itch cream.
257
00:09:07,584 --> 00:09:08,616
Is it in the drawer?
258
00:09:08,652 --> 00:09:09,817
Shut up!
259
00:09:09,853 --> 00:09:11,886
I'm trying to
hum atonally.
260
00:09:11,922 --> 00:09:13,955
(hums atonally)
261
00:09:13,990 --> 00:09:15,190
Ugh.
262
00:09:19,629 --> 00:09:21,629
(humming continues)
263
00:09:25,001 --> 00:09:26,134
Here's your cream.
264
00:09:26,169 --> 00:09:27,302
See you Thursday.
265
00:09:28,705 --> 00:09:30,939
Oh, my God,
I can't believe I stole this.
266
00:09:30,974 --> 00:09:32,640
You know what?
I don't feel bad.
267
00:09:32,676 --> 00:09:34,175
That woman's a nightmare.
268
00:09:34,211 --> 00:09:37,045
(gasps) Ooh, I should text this
to my best friend.
269
00:09:38,181 --> 00:09:39,147
(cell phone chimes)
270
00:09:39,182 --> 00:09:40,782
Sick brooch!
271
00:09:40,817 --> 00:09:43,518
Adam, are you done with
that mayor homework, yet?
272
00:09:43,553 --> 00:09:46,221
It's called a bill, Mom.
273
00:09:50,627 --> 00:09:51,926
Hey, Brian,
274
00:09:51,962 --> 00:09:54,262
I, uh, feel that things
have been awkward between us,
275
00:09:54,297 --> 00:09:56,197
but just to show you
there's no hard feelings,
276
00:09:56,233 --> 00:09:57,265
can I buy you a drink?
277
00:09:57,300 --> 00:09:59,000
You know what?
Sure, thanks.
278
00:10:04,374 --> 00:10:06,808
What the hell happened?
279
00:10:09,045 --> 00:10:10,545
Ah! How do I walk?!
280
00:10:10,580 --> 00:10:12,780
Are these forever?!
281
00:10:12,816 --> 00:10:16,651
I also rubbed my butt on you
while you were unconscious.
282
00:10:16,686 --> 00:10:20,321
I like to put stuff online.
283
00:10:25,528 --> 00:10:26,894
Meg, Mom said that...
284
00:10:26,930 --> 00:10:28,696
Hey, what's all this stuff?
285
00:10:28,732 --> 00:10:30,798
Stuff I stole from
the old folks' home.
286
00:10:30,834 --> 00:10:32,166
But you should see
how they treat me.
287
00:10:32,202 --> 00:10:34,168
Meg, that's no excuse.
288
00:10:34,204 --> 00:10:35,370
Stealing is just plain...
289
00:10:35,405 --> 00:10:37,872
Oh, my God, is that
someone else's glasses?
290
00:10:37,907 --> 00:10:40,141
I love wearing other
people's glasses.
291
00:10:40,176 --> 00:10:41,809
(laughs)
292
00:10:41,845 --> 00:10:43,878
Do I look like I stole
atomic secrets?
293
00:10:43,913 --> 00:10:44,979
You do.
294
00:10:45,015 --> 00:10:46,648
Wow, this is awesome.
295
00:10:46,683 --> 00:10:47,849
I want in.
296
00:10:47,884 --> 00:10:50,251
And there's the
splitting headache
297
00:10:50,287 --> 00:10:52,587
from wearing someone
else's glasses.
298
00:10:57,761 --> 00:11:00,995
Okay, Chris, here's a room
I haven't hit, yet.
299
00:11:01,031 --> 00:11:03,231
Here, follow my lead.
300
00:11:05,268 --> 00:11:06,334
Who's there?
301
00:11:06,369 --> 00:11:07,902
Why are you in my room?
302
00:11:07,937 --> 00:11:09,170
Oh, hi.
303
00:11:09,205 --> 00:11:12,240
You died, and I'm here
to take you to heaven.
304
00:11:12,275 --> 00:11:13,908
Um, upsy-daisy, here we go.
305
00:11:16,112 --> 00:11:17,745
Well, now that
I'm in heaven...
306
00:11:17,781 --> 00:11:19,914
(squeaky fart)
307
00:11:19,949 --> 00:11:21,049
Hurry, take everything,
308
00:11:21,084 --> 00:11:23,551
and be quick or we'll
be in bigger trouble
309
00:11:23,586 --> 00:11:25,853
than a fat guy
at a water park.
310
00:11:25,889 --> 00:11:28,189
Come on, Dad, let's go
on the water slide.
311
00:11:28,224 --> 00:11:29,957
(sighs)
I can't fit.
312
00:11:29,993 --> 00:11:32,060
I'm afraid
I'll get stuck.
313
00:11:32,095 --> 00:11:33,361
I'll just go in
the lazy river.
314
00:11:33,396 --> 00:11:34,462
But, Dad...
315
00:11:34,497 --> 00:11:37,465
No, son, this is
the life I've chosen.
316
00:11:38,501 --> 00:11:42,003
♪ When your day is long ♪
317
00:11:44,307 --> 00:11:46,574
♪ And the night ♪
318
00:11:46,609 --> 00:11:50,978
♪ The night is yours alone ♪
319
00:11:53,817 --> 00:11:55,750
♪ When you're sure you... ♪
320
00:11:55,785 --> 00:11:57,785
(music stops)
321
00:12:02,926 --> 00:12:06,761
(music resumes):
♪ ...you've had enough ♪
322
00:12:06,796 --> 00:12:10,932
♪ Of this life... ♪
323
00:12:13,937 --> 00:12:15,336
Guys, thanks again
for doing this.
324
00:12:15,372 --> 00:12:17,405
Joe has been making
my life hell.
325
00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:18,406
Of course.
326
00:12:18,441 --> 00:12:19,640
All right,
now when Joe gets here
327
00:12:19,676 --> 00:12:20,808
we're just going to tell him
328
00:12:20,844 --> 00:12:21,976
he needs to lighten up on Brian,
329
00:12:22,011 --> 00:12:23,411
and then we'll all talk
this thing out
330
00:12:23,446 --> 00:12:25,012
so we can move past it.
331
00:12:25,048 --> 00:12:26,814
And then I get
to show my card trick?
332
00:12:26,850 --> 00:12:28,049
If there's time.
333
00:12:28,718 --> 00:12:29,884
Let's make this quick.
334
00:12:30,954 --> 00:12:32,954
What's going on?
What's all this?
335
00:12:32,989 --> 00:12:34,422
Joe, we all know what happened
336
00:12:34,457 --> 00:12:36,257
and we're here for you.
337
00:12:36,292 --> 00:12:38,926
But we think that you're taking
this revenge on Brian
338
00:12:38,962 --> 00:12:40,261
just a little too far.
339
00:12:40,296 --> 00:12:41,362
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, come on.
340
00:12:41,398 --> 00:12:42,663
It's...it's like
enough is enough.
341
00:12:42,699 --> 00:12:44,766
The Triscuits are
the rosemary kind,
342
00:12:44,801 --> 00:12:46,634
not the regular kind.
343
00:12:46,669 --> 00:12:49,437
Me? I'm not the guy
who violated the sanctity
344
00:12:49,472 --> 00:12:51,139
of someone else's marriage.
345
00:12:51,174 --> 00:12:52,540
Well, you make a
good point, Joe,
346
00:12:52,575 --> 00:12:54,208
and you're right,
this is Brian.
347
00:12:54,244 --> 00:12:55,510
We all know
he don't care
348
00:12:55,545 --> 00:12:57,145
where he gets
his wick wet.
349
00:12:57,180 --> 00:12:58,946
Just ask
Quagmire's father.
350
00:12:58,982 --> 00:13:01,115
Okay, we might be getting
a little off track, here.
351
00:13:01,151 --> 00:13:02,283
Yeah, yeah, Brian's right.
352
00:13:02,318 --> 00:13:03,551
Joe, you're out of control.
353
00:13:03,586 --> 00:13:04,685
Even though Brian's
been trying
354
00:13:04,721 --> 00:13:05,953
to do my wife for years,
355
00:13:05,989 --> 00:13:07,855
and on some level,
I hate him for it.
356
00:13:07,891 --> 00:13:09,824
Oh, Brian's a complete dick,
we all know that,
357
00:13:09,859 --> 00:13:11,325
but I think we're
losing sight of the point
358
00:13:11,361 --> 00:13:13,461
that Bonnie's a weird slut
who's always letting you know
359
00:13:13,496 --> 00:13:14,662
she's open for business.
360
00:13:14,697 --> 00:13:16,631
What? When am I doing that?
361
00:13:16,666 --> 00:13:18,299
Oh, come on, when are
you not doing that?
362
00:13:18,334 --> 00:13:19,567
With that
boo-boo-baby voice,
363
00:13:19,602 --> 00:13:21,502
and that
still-breastfeeding rack.
364
00:13:21,538 --> 00:13:22,804
(grunts)
Give me some of that!
365
00:13:22,839 --> 00:13:24,138
I'm Bonnie's friend,
366
00:13:24,174 --> 00:13:25,574
but she could
sometimes get the mail
367
00:13:25,608 --> 00:13:27,408
in something other than a robe.
368
00:13:27,444 --> 00:13:28,743
Okay, so we're all
in agreement,
369
00:13:28,778 --> 00:13:30,478
Bonnie and Brian
are terrible people.
370
00:13:30,513 --> 00:13:32,079
Quagmire, I want you
to think of a card,
371
00:13:32,115 --> 00:13:33,881
but do not tell me what it is.
372
00:13:33,917 --> 00:13:35,016
Okay, enough.
373
00:13:35,051 --> 00:13:37,218
How dare any of you
criticize Bonnie?
374
00:13:37,253 --> 00:13:39,353
For years, she gave
up her own dreams
375
00:13:39,389 --> 00:13:40,688
to take care of Joe.
376
00:13:40,723 --> 00:13:42,156
And yeah, maybe
she kissed me.
377
00:13:42,192 --> 00:13:43,524
Maybe she needed to
because she feels
378
00:13:43,560 --> 00:13:44,759
so trapped in
her marriage.
379
00:13:44,794 --> 00:13:45,893
It's true.
380
00:13:45,929 --> 00:13:49,063
No one ever takes the time
to ask how I feel.
381
00:13:49,098 --> 00:13:50,898
Brian's the only one.
382
00:13:50,934 --> 00:13:52,066
They don't get us, Bonnie,
383
00:13:52,101 --> 00:13:53,501
and you deserve
better than this.
384
00:13:53,536 --> 00:13:55,036
We both do.
385
00:13:55,071 --> 00:13:56,103
You know what?
386
00:13:56,139 --> 00:13:57,972
Let's get out of here.
387
00:14:03,980 --> 00:14:06,948
Wow, we are zero for two
on interventions today.
388
00:14:09,152 --> 00:14:10,618
I'm not changing for nobody.
389
00:14:10,653 --> 00:14:13,287
You're no... you're the ones
with the problems.
390
00:14:19,427 --> 00:14:21,027
Ah, we did it.
391
00:14:21,062 --> 00:14:22,929
We don't need those
narrow-minded losers.
392
00:14:22,964 --> 00:14:24,697
This is so exciting.
393
00:14:24,733 --> 00:14:27,567
We can finally live the
lives we've always wanted.
394
00:14:27,602 --> 00:14:29,936
Like, I can finally start
my jewelry design business
395
00:14:29,971 --> 00:14:32,939
making earrings for tweens.
396
00:14:34,042 --> 00:14:35,908
Listen, hear that?
397
00:14:35,944 --> 00:14:37,944
That is the sound
of not making
398
00:14:37,979 --> 00:14:39,379
an enormous mistake.
399
00:14:39,414 --> 00:14:41,280
I think I hear it.
400
00:14:41,316 --> 00:14:42,348
(alarm dinging)
401
00:14:42,384 --> 00:14:45,084
Oh, hang on, looks
like we need gas.
402
00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:47,286
So do you have,
like, a credit card?
403
00:14:47,322 --> 00:14:49,555
Nope and no cash, either,
404
00:14:49,591 --> 00:14:51,391
but I don't care.
405
00:14:51,426 --> 00:14:53,626
I couldn't stand
another moment with Joe.
406
00:14:53,662 --> 00:14:57,196
It was torture just watching
him do a crossword puzzle.
407
00:14:57,232 --> 00:14:59,399
Hey, Bonnie, what's a
five-letter word for marriage?
408
00:14:59,434 --> 00:15:00,900
Fraud.
409
00:15:00,935 --> 00:15:02,568
Uh, it's got to start
with a "U".
410
00:15:02,604 --> 00:15:03,870
Union.
411
00:15:03,905 --> 00:15:05,738
Boy, you stink at this.
412
00:15:05,774 --> 00:15:08,741
(big bang music plays)
413
00:15:08,777 --> 00:15:10,877
(music continues)
414
00:15:10,912 --> 00:15:13,713
Boy, it's just so
comforting to be here
415
00:15:13,748 --> 00:15:16,382
surrounded by
other people's memories.
416
00:15:16,418 --> 00:15:18,618
(blowing nose loudly)
417
00:15:18,653 --> 00:15:20,653
Back into the
sleeve with you.
418
00:15:20,689 --> 00:15:21,754
Can you hand me
another nylon
419
00:15:21,790 --> 00:15:24,223
that I use as a sock
with my huge beige shoe?
420
00:15:24,259 --> 00:15:26,426
Sure, and can you
hand me that ashtray?
421
00:15:26,461 --> 00:15:28,227
I might fire up
this pipe again.
422
00:15:28,263 --> 00:15:30,229
Chris, that's not
an ashtray.
423
00:15:30,265 --> 00:15:32,265
That's an urn
for someone's ashes.
424
00:15:32,300 --> 00:15:33,399
Really?
425
00:15:33,435 --> 00:15:34,801
Yeah, you've been
putting your pipe out
426
00:15:34,836 --> 00:15:36,002
in some guy.
427
00:15:36,037 --> 00:15:39,105
Oh, my God,
what are we doing?
428
00:15:39,140 --> 00:15:40,673
I feel awful.
429
00:15:40,709 --> 00:15:42,742
We need to give
everything back.
430
00:15:42,777 --> 00:15:44,677
Oh, you're right.
431
00:15:44,713 --> 00:15:46,612
We need to do
the right thing.
432
00:15:46,648 --> 00:15:48,748
Like the dad
from Small Wonder.
433
00:15:48,783 --> 00:15:49,849
All right, Vickie,
434
00:15:49,884 --> 00:15:51,451
time to shut you down
for the night.
435
00:15:51,486 --> 00:15:52,485
(robotic voice)
Good-night.
436
00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:55,888
See you tomorrow.
437
00:15:59,394 --> 00:16:00,860
(hisses through teeth)
438
00:16:00,895 --> 00:16:03,029
Nah.
439
00:16:07,035 --> 00:16:09,502
(sighs)
She's really gone,
440
00:16:09,537 --> 00:16:11,471
and she took little
Susie with her.
441
00:16:11,506 --> 00:16:13,272
I miss that baby
more than anything.
442
00:16:13,308 --> 00:16:16,375
(Susie crying)
443
00:16:16,411 --> 00:16:18,010
Oh, I guess she
left it here.
444
00:16:18,046 --> 00:16:19,212
Joe, I want you to know,
445
00:16:19,247 --> 00:16:21,347
I will not support
that relationship.
446
00:16:21,382 --> 00:16:22,949
If Brian and Bonnie
get married,
447
00:16:22,984 --> 00:16:24,117
I will not go.
448
00:16:24,152 --> 00:16:26,285
Although, Brian might want
me to be his best man.
449
00:16:26,321 --> 00:16:27,520
Then I'd have to go,
450
00:16:27,555 --> 00:16:29,388
and I'd have to dance.
451
00:16:29,424 --> 00:16:31,324
It would be weird to
be best man and not dance.
452
00:16:31,359 --> 00:16:32,658
And I'd have
to give a toast,
453
00:16:32,694 --> 00:16:34,193
and say that Bonnie's
the best thing
454
00:16:34,229 --> 00:16:35,228
that ever happened to him.
455
00:16:35,263 --> 00:16:36,395
You know, she is
the best thing
456
00:16:36,431 --> 00:16:38,231
that ever happened to him,
but don't worry, Joe.
457
00:16:38,266 --> 00:16:39,732
I'll only refer to you
as Bonnie's ex.
458
00:16:39,768 --> 00:16:41,868
You know, like,
"Bonnie has an ex,
459
00:16:41,903 --> 00:16:43,803
but Brian marks the spot."
460
00:16:43,838 --> 00:16:44,838
Oh, Peter, that's good.
461
00:16:44,873 --> 00:16:46,038
Thanks, babe.
462
00:16:46,074 --> 00:16:48,007
I hope Brian and Bonnie
are as happy as us.
463
00:16:48,042 --> 00:16:49,742
To Brian and Bonnie.
464
00:16:54,916 --> 00:16:56,849
Bad news:
the teenage runaways
465
00:16:56,885 --> 00:16:59,085
at table four were
not big tippers.
466
00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:01,687
We just need enough
money to get to Taos.
467
00:17:01,723 --> 00:17:02,989
That's like the capital
468
00:17:03,024 --> 00:17:05,024
of making and selling
your own jewelry.
469
00:17:05,059 --> 00:17:06,292
Okay, enough about
the jewelry.
470
00:17:06,327 --> 00:17:07,493
Do you even know
how to make it?
471
00:17:07,529 --> 00:17:09,162
I know how to
make jewelry.
472
00:17:09,197 --> 00:17:10,263
I just don't know
473
00:17:10,298 --> 00:17:13,366
how to make the
metal go into shapes.
474
00:17:13,401 --> 00:17:14,433
Hey, you know what'd be great?
475
00:17:14,469 --> 00:17:15,568
If you could talk with even
476
00:17:15,603 --> 00:17:17,403
a little bit of inflection
to your voice,
477
00:17:17,438 --> 00:17:20,072
so it doesn't sound so much
like a (bleep) power sander.
478
00:17:20,108 --> 00:17:21,340
Screw you.
479
00:17:21,376 --> 00:17:23,276
You tweet things that
aren't worth tweeting.
480
00:17:23,311 --> 00:17:24,343
Well, I'm sorry,
481
00:17:24,379 --> 00:17:25,845
but Kim Kardashian
did get famous
482
00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:27,213
for making a sex tape.
483
00:17:27,248 --> 00:17:28,414
We all know that.
484
00:17:28,449 --> 00:17:29,515
That's not yours.
485
00:17:29,551 --> 00:17:30,850
And stop breathing
through your mouth.
486
00:17:30,885 --> 00:17:32,351
It's really annoying.
487
00:17:32,387 --> 00:17:33,352
I'm panting.
488
00:17:33,388 --> 00:17:34,720
That's how I sweat,
you dumb bitch.
489
00:17:34,756 --> 00:17:35,855
No, it isn't.
490
00:17:35,890 --> 00:17:37,423
Dogs sweat
through their paws.
491
00:17:37,458 --> 00:17:38,858
You're such a
know-it-all, Brian,
492
00:17:38,893 --> 00:17:41,227
you don't even know
about your own body.
493
00:17:41,262 --> 00:17:42,929
At least I've
had an orgasm.
494
00:17:43,832 --> 00:17:46,399
Wow, I am sorry.
495
00:17:46,434 --> 00:17:48,434
Look, th-this isn't us.
496
00:17:48,469 --> 00:17:49,469
This is just the no food
497
00:17:49,504 --> 00:17:50,803
and sleeping in
a car talking.
498
00:17:50,839 --> 00:17:52,305
We can make this work,
499
00:17:52,340 --> 00:17:54,273
like couples who
meet on Craigslist.
500
00:17:56,644 --> 00:17:58,477
BOTH: You're not what you look like
in your picture.
501
00:17:58,513 --> 00:18:00,880
Let's get this over with.
502
00:18:00,915 --> 00:18:03,416
I wonder which one of us
is the murderer?
503
00:18:09,090 --> 00:18:11,090
Okay, we ditch this stuff
in the day room,
504
00:18:11,125 --> 00:18:12,792
and then I'm done
with my volunteer hours
505
00:18:12,827 --> 00:18:14,660
and we never come
back here again.
506
00:18:16,998 --> 00:18:18,164
Mrs. Parkhurst?
507
00:18:18,199 --> 00:18:22,101
Look at you two,
stealing from the elderly.
508
00:18:22,136 --> 00:18:24,170
You're worse than that
Juliette Lewis
509
00:18:24,205 --> 00:18:25,938
who makes out with dogs.
510
00:18:25,974 --> 00:18:27,306
Wait, is that a real thing?
511
00:18:27,342 --> 00:18:28,342
Where did you hear that?
512
00:18:28,376 --> 00:18:29,508
What are your sources?
513
00:18:29,544 --> 00:18:31,344
Listen, we're very sorry
we stole from you,
514
00:18:31,379 --> 00:18:32,511
but you have it all back now,
515
00:18:32,547 --> 00:18:34,280
so we cool, right?
516
00:18:34,315 --> 00:18:37,516
You know I should call
the police on you.
517
00:18:37,552 --> 00:18:38,584
The police?!
518
00:18:38,620 --> 00:18:41,854
Or maybe, instead,
we do things my way.
519
00:18:41,890 --> 00:18:43,422
What's that?
520
00:18:43,458 --> 00:18:45,491
You will spend time with us
521
00:18:45,526 --> 00:18:47,526
every afternoon after school,
522
00:18:47,562 --> 00:18:49,929
doing jigsaw puzzles,
523
00:18:49,964 --> 00:18:51,998
reading us the newspaper,
524
00:18:52,033 --> 00:18:56,469
listening to poorly remembered
stories that have no point.
525
00:18:56,504 --> 00:18:58,304
You monster.
526
00:18:58,339 --> 00:18:59,505
Sit down.
527
00:19:00,842 --> 00:19:02,708
Now I feel some
dementia coming.
528
00:19:02,744 --> 00:19:04,377
Feed me pudding
while I grip
529
00:19:04,412 --> 00:19:06,812
your wrist in terror.
530
00:19:06,848 --> 00:19:09,215
Ah, this isn't
my house.
531
00:19:12,921 --> 00:19:14,487
See, if I make
under 20 grand
532
00:19:14,522 --> 00:19:15,554
for 20 years,
533
00:19:15,590 --> 00:19:17,056
my film school debt
just goes away.
534
00:19:17,091 --> 00:19:18,357
That's a government rule.
535
00:19:18,393 --> 00:19:20,026
(bell jingles)
Bonnie?
536
00:19:20,061 --> 00:19:21,127
Joe?
537
00:19:21,162 --> 00:19:22,828
How did you find me?
538
00:19:22,864 --> 00:19:25,197
Love is a powerful compass.
539
00:19:25,233 --> 00:19:28,200
Any time I quiet my mind
and clear my heart,
540
00:19:28,236 --> 00:19:30,069
it always leads me to you.
541
00:19:30,104 --> 00:19:32,038
Plus, dirtbag here has
a chip in his ear.
542
00:19:32,073 --> 00:19:33,472
I do?
Damn it.
543
00:19:33,508 --> 00:19:35,508
No wonder Peter's so good
at hide-and-seek.
544
00:19:35,543 --> 00:19:37,476
You're under the canoe
in Quagmire's yard.
545
00:19:37,512 --> 00:19:38,978
BRIAN:
Son of a bitch!
546
00:19:39,013 --> 00:19:41,414
Bonnie, I understand
now why you left.
547
00:19:41,449 --> 00:19:44,383
Over the years, I probably have
become too dependent on you,
548
00:19:44,419 --> 00:19:47,653
and I'm sorry if you've
had to put your dreams
549
00:19:47,689 --> 00:19:49,555
on hold because of me.
550
00:19:49,590 --> 00:19:51,190
Oh, Joe.
551
00:19:51,225 --> 00:19:52,992
But I'm here to
fight for you, Bonnie.
552
00:19:53,027 --> 00:19:54,994
And if you're willing
to come back home,
553
00:19:55,029 --> 00:19:58,197
I promise I'll spend the rest
of my days taking care of you,
554
00:19:58,232 --> 00:20:01,033
just the way you've
always taken care of me.
555
00:20:01,069 --> 00:20:03,235
Of course,
I want to come home, Joe.
556
00:20:03,271 --> 00:20:04,770
I love you.
557
00:20:06,474 --> 00:20:09,008
(moaning)
558
00:20:09,043 --> 00:20:12,111
Wow, I guess just
call me Cupid, huh?
559
00:20:12,146 --> 00:20:14,113
You're welcome.
560
00:20:14,148 --> 00:20:15,414
Ow! Damn it!
561
00:20:15,450 --> 00:20:17,516
(groaning)
562
00:20:17,552 --> 00:20:19,285
Hey, Bri, came to try
that apple pie
563
00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:20,386
you were texting about.
564
00:20:20,421 --> 00:20:21,754
Oh, you're shot.
565
00:20:25,727 --> 00:20:27,526
Well, Chris and I sure
learned a lot this week.
566
00:20:27,562 --> 00:20:29,295
Ha, you think you
learned a lot.
567
00:20:29,330 --> 00:20:30,629
I had quite
an adventure.
568
00:20:30,665 --> 00:20:31,630
You know what guys?
569
00:20:31,666 --> 00:20:33,265
We only got like
15 seconds left.
570
00:20:33,301 --> 00:20:34,567
We're going to have
to do these at the same time.
571
00:20:34,602 --> 00:20:35,735
Let's race.
572
00:20:35,770 --> 00:20:37,136
And... go.
573
00:20:37,171 --> 00:20:38,337
So Chris and I learned
that just 'cause people are old,
574
00:20:38,373 --> 00:20:40,006
that doesn't mean
you should steal from them.
575
00:20:40,041 --> 00:20:41,474
Bonnie didn't let you
stir the paint, did she?
576
00:20:41,509 --> 00:20:43,476
No. But I am done messing
around with neighbors' wives.
577
00:20:43,511 --> 00:20:45,077
Here's an invitation
to Donna's birthday party.
578
00:20:45,113 --> 00:20:46,645
'Cause maybe then I'd like it.
Hey, let me see that.
579
00:20:46,681 --> 00:20:48,381
You rascal.
Same old Meg.
580
00:20:48,416 --> 00:20:50,282
And the winner is:
Nobody.
581
00:20:50,318 --> 00:20:52,685
Especially not you.
Good night.
582
00:20:52,686 --> 00:20:54,686
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man